Denial
At first, you'll probably deny that
this is happening to you. You may pretend that it's just a bad dream or some
sort of bad joke he's pulling on you. This type of thinking is normal, but it
only prolongs the agony of your hurt. You must face the reality of the
situation - accept the fact that your marriage is over - and get on with the
task of finding happiness for yourself, immediately.
You'll probably lay awake in bed at night and review "every minute"
of your marriage - thinking that in this or that circumstance, you could've
been a better wife, and from there beg for another chance. You'll want to
accept full responsibility - at least a big share of the guilt - for the
problems that caused the break-up of your marriage. These thoughts are only
natural, but they cannot put your marriage back together, and any attempts to
"try one more time," at this stage will only cause you greater pain.
You must accept the fact that your marriage is over, and busy your mind and
yourself, with activities that don't allow you time to "rehash" the
events of the past. Don't allow yourself to dwell upon guilt feelings. It takes
two people to make a marriage, and marriages come apart because of the
differences in the two people involved. No one is perfect, and happiness in
life is a matter of learning from our mistakes. Accept your own short-comings;
vow that you will profit from what you've experienced; and then get on with
your life. You'll never be comfortable with yourself, nor find real happiness
so long as you're dragging "guilt feelings" from your past around
with you.
Express what you Feel
Somewhere along the way,
you'll become so angry with your ex-husband - the world - and even God, that
you'll be beyond yourself in your ability to express it all. It will be
necessary that you express this anger - to get it all out of your system -
before you'll be able to "feel good" around men again.
Anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of hurt
and frustration. It's such a volatile and all-consuming emotion that unless you
give it an outlet, it will literally eat you alive. The thing to do is to
understand your anger, and manage it in a manner that will benefit you - in
such a way that your expression of it is constructive to your regaining your
emotional health.
A few things you might think about doing: Write out for your kids, the complete
story of your marriage; how you met, your dreams and hopes, the good and the
bad, the sacrifices each of you made, and how - beyond either of your
capabilities to control - the marriage just came to an end... Write out in
precise detail exactly what is making you angry, and why. Put it in letter form
to your ex-husband and