This about what that person means to you.  Certainly it’s more than just someone to be around.  Sure, you love the security, but what about the companionship, the things you share, the past you have lived?  Maybe there have been some rough patches, but there have been good times too.  Remember them, wrap your mind around them, and focus on them.  That is what will get you started toward bringing romance back to your marriage.

 

Once you do this, resolve to become self-directed in your quest towards a more passionate marriage.  Mates must become responsible for their own actions, they say. Each mate should identify and recognize his or her inaccurate, exaggerated expectations. 

 

Recognition precedes change. By recognizing exaggerated expectations, each mate creates room for maneuvering and motivation for change.

 

This, then, is self-direction: directing the attention to our own unrealistic expectations of the other. Each mate takes full responsibility for his or her thoughts and actions, whether they are realistic or selfishly imagined. Now change can begin to take place in a marriage.

 

The implications of this new approach are enormous. It takes two people to have a marriage, but only one to change it. We end up feeling helpless and out of control in our marriages simply because we can't control our partners.

 

The truth is that we need only learn to control ourselves. We ultimately come to feel alone in our marriages because we have replaced an accepting attitude toward our partner with unconscious expectations that are ultimately self-defeating.

 

The first rule of behavior and controlling our emotions is to accept the fact that we can’t change others, we can