First of all, you must face the facts.  The notion that if your mate really loves you he or she will automatically change for you is usually an illusion. Here is where self-direction can help. Rather than demanding that your mate change for you, why not ask your mate what he or she would like you to change?

This can bring immediate positive benefits. As one partner begins to change, renewed respect follows, and an example is set for the other to follow. It's never easy to admit to personal faults and shortcomings, but, when we ask for them to be pointed out and take concrete steps to change them, the situation improves for both partners.

Be honest, and face the facts, even if you're uncomfortable taking these steps. Realize that you need to grow. When you do your marital relationship will also grow.

Understand what your partner needs.  Another myth is that if your mate really loved you, he or she would always understand you. The story goes that an older couple sought marriage counseling, and the counselor asked the husband if he had ever told his wife of 35 years that he loved her. He responded: "Well, I don't think I need to do that over and over. After all, I told her I loved her when we got married."

This man, along with, perhaps, you and me, didn't realize that we all need reassurance now and then to allay our normal doubts and insecurities. Understanding of your mate requires certain sensitivity to his or her needs. The two sexes are, after all, quite different.

Instead of seeing your differences as hindrances toward a happy marriage, start seeing them as strengths.  Well-meaning couples sometimes see differences as negotiable. But negotiation is too often motivated by a selfish want rather than by love or selflessness. No two human beings are exactly alike. On the surface we may appear similar in