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1.
Ask a lot of questions if you don’t understand what
the other person is saying – don’t assume! 2.
Keep your discussions between the two of you. 3.
Always trust that your spouse is trying to do and
say the right thing and only wants to rebuild the relationship. Don’t get defensive or try to undermine the
process. 4.
Understand that both parties are hurt and confused
and that sometimes they may say or do something to express that hurt or
confusion. Try not to take it personally! 5.
Always end the discussion by talking about your
positive feelings toward each other and highlight the progress you’ve
made. Talk about what you heard that
surprised you, or that pleased you, or even the things you never knew and
wished you had known before! 6.
Agree on the next time you will talk and come to
the next discussion with a calm and open mind.
If you are not up to the discussion for whatever reason, ask for a break
or reschedule it…but DON’T PUT IT OFF as a delay tactic! Add whatever ground rules you feel you need to address your
personal situation. Now that we have those ground rules in place, it is time to
identify the issues. If you can do this
dispassionately, you are quite a unique individual. The purpose of getting the issues on paper is to be more
objective about them and to use them as ‘talking points’ when your discussion
gets off track or becomes emotional. Remember that the way you frame your issues must always
include respect for the other person. Don’t be accusatory or try to strike out
at your spouse. Remember that there was a time when you were deeply in love
and devoted to each other and even if you have lost a lot of that spark, there
is still a person you love somewhere in the core of this relationship, or you
would not be trying so hard to save it. Here are some issues you may find familiar. As you begin to put things on paper, you’ll
find that other issues will come naturally.
Check all that apply and add your own for good measure. Above all, don’t make empty accusations.
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