Remember that your spouse may find it hard to talk about these things so you may have to go slowly through this process and if you bring up a topic that is hard to discuss, you may have to just put it on the table and wait to talk about it more fully during the next session. 

 

Give your spouse some time to adjust.

 

If you really can’t have an honest conversation about these issues, you may wish to consider individual or joint counseling to get the process in gear. 

 

Once you find a path to open communication, you will be able to talk more honestly about these issues.

 

The MOST important thing about these discussions is to frame your issues with the knowledge that this is YOUR FEELING. 

 

These things make you FEEL a certain way, but that doesn’t necessarily make the other person a bad person, and it doesn’t mean they are out to hurt you. 

 

Don’t attack them with the truth!  Don’t approach your feelings with anger. 

 

Be calm and explain that this is how you FEEL and you want them to understand that you react in a certain way because of your perception of the situation.

 

For example, you may believe that your spouse is having an affair because of certain signs or evidence. 

 

They may NOT be having an affair, so don’t accuse them.  But, it is OK to say that you feel they may be because you haven’t noticed certain signs. 

 

Then let them explain the situation and tell you what is really happening. 

 

Before you put all of your effort and hope into this process, agree that you will both invest equally. 

 

Be sure you aren’t just WISHING for this reconciliation but rather that you both believe you can and will work things out.

 

After you have drafted your topics for discussion, schedule some time to sit down and talk. 

 

Remind each other of the ground rules, and carefully manage your first session. 

 

It will take some time to get comfortable with the process, but you will gradually feel more at home in the discussions.