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Once you begin to work through the issues and agree on how
to address them, remember that your old habits may peek through on
occasion. We mentioned that you have to break the old habits and this is no small
feat, but it is mandatory if you are going to get your marriage back in
shape. Habits are not formed overnight, nor are they broken overnight, so the
first thing you need to do is to agree that there are going to be times when
you or your spouse must speak up. You may need to remind your partner to stop doing what they used to do,
and to recommit to the new habits. If you are both supportive of the changes, and you are honest enough to
work through the process, these gentle but firm reminders can keep things on
track. Let’s go back now
and revisit Bob and Jeannie. When last
we left them, Jeannie was pregnant with their second child and Bob had
suggested that they start marriage counseling.
Before they started their
counseling sessions, Bob and Jeannie decided to write down their ideas and
capture their problems on paper. They were not ready to talk about
these problems without a facilitator, but they wanted to be sure that, when
they WERE ready to talk with the counselor, they had thought everything
through. Here is
Jeannie’s list: Bob used to be so tender and
affectionate with me, but now he barely touches me and rarely even gives me a
kiss goodbye when he leaves for work. We don’t talk about much other
than the day-to-day required conversations about grocery shopping and doctor’s
appointments. When we have to visit family, Bob
always begs off and says he has to work or he is too busy doing yard work. I always have the responsibility
for our child, so I never get a minute to myself. I can’t imagine what it is going to be like
to have two kids. I have goals in my life that I
really want to achieve, but I don’t feel as if my goals are important to
Bob. I don’t feel like I know what Bob
is thinking or feeling anymore. We just
don’t talk. When Bob tried to
put his list together, he had a really hard time expressing his feelings. He knew there were problems, but he didn’t
know where to start in describing them. His sense of
their problems was more general and it was hard for him to put a finger on the
specifics. Here’s what he
got on paper:
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