That help might be a facilitator, a marriage counselor or family therapist or even a clergyman you trust. 

This person will not resolve your issues, but they will help you talk about them in a non-confrontational way.

Ø      Every day, tell your spouse how you are feeling and what is going on with your day.  If you anticipate a tough day at work, let your spouse know that. 

Ask for help and tell them what you need to make your day go more smoothly. 

Ø      Recognize that you WILL have disagreements and bad days and don’t take them personally.  Approach issues with calm and don’t expect your spouse to read your mind.  

No matter how long you have been married, you probably still need some clues to what your spouse is thinking and why they are reacting in a certain way. 

Ø      If your spouse is having trouble expressing a thought or feeling, don’t push for information. 

Be patient and gently ask a few questions to get the conversation started.  If they still can’t talk, ask them if they need more time or time alone and tell them to let you know when they are ready to talk.  

Be sure to follow-up if your spouse simply doesn’t bring it up again.  You DO want to get to the heart of the matter.

Ø      Avoid trying to ‘fix’ your spouse.  Remember that they are entitled to their own opinion and that you don’t always have to be right. 

Ø      Avoid ‘bottom line’ or accusatory statements like ‘I never want to speak to you again’, ‘you don’t love me’, ‘I hate you’, ‘you don’t care how I feel’. 

You may feel hurt and confused, but try not to translate this into overly dramatic statements that will put your spouse on the defensive. 

Ø      Get past the idea that you should be able to ‘control’ your spouse.  You are both adults and you are responsible for your own behavior – not the behavior of your mate.

If you are going to open the lines of communication and avoid a defensive response, you have to get past your hurt and learn to phrase your thoughts so your spouse does not feel they are being attacked.

We’ve talked a lot about the need to communicate with your spouse.  But there is a right way and a wrong way to tell your spouse what you think.

Take a careful look at these examples and notice the difference in tone and approach.