Both methods get the point across, but one method will shut down communications, while the other will help your spouse understand how you feel without making them defensive:

The Wrong Way	The Better Way
You always let me down when we have to discipline the kids.  I say ‘no’ and you say ‘yes’ and then I look like the bad guy	When you change the decision after I’ve told the kids ‘no’, I feel embarrassed.  I feel as if my opinion doesn’t count
You always treat me like I’m stupid	When you make a joke about a mistake I’ve made or about something I don’t know, it makes me feel embarrassed and inferior
I hate it when you throw your dirty clothes all over the bedroom.  You are a slob	When you don’t pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper, I feel like a slave who has to do all the unpleasant jobs.  I take pride in a clean house and I get frustrated when I have to come home and clean.

Do you see the difference? 

 

Talking to Your Spouse

When you talk to your spouse about things that bother you, try to follow these simple guidelines:

Ø      Talk about your perspective and how the situation makes you feel, without being accusatory or combative.  Say things like “I get frustrated when…” or “I am disappointed when…” 

 

Ø      Describe your needs by saying something like “I need you to support me when…”, or “It is important to me that you…”

 

Ø       Don’t say things like “you never…”, or “you always…”, or “I hate it when you...”

 

Ø      Try to phrase your complaints using the word ‘I’ rather than ‘you’.  It is an interesting psychological cue and one you need to understand

 

Ø      When you say the word ‘you’, your spouse immediately expects that an attack is lurking in the statement. 

 

When you use the word ‘I’ and talk instead about how things make you feel you are coming at the problem from your perspective.