Instead of striking out, you are reaching out to let your spouse know how you feel. 

 

Listening to Your Spouse

Suppose you are on the receiving end of the complaints?  There will be times during your marital improvement process when you are likely to have to listen to what is bothering your spouse.

Ø      Try to follow these guidelines and you will be a better listener, and avoid an escalating fight.

 

Ø      Don’t respond to criticism by saying “It isn’t my fault.  It is your fault” or “Well, you are not so easy to live with, either”

 

Ø      Don’t make excuses like “I can’t read your mind.  You should have told me”, or “I didn’t take that long getting dressed. 

 

It was your getting us lost that caused us to miss the cocktail hour” or “You didn’t tell me it was your mother’s birthday this week”

 

Ø      Don’t answer a complaint with another complaint like this “You never say ‘no’ to our daughter”, answered by “Well, you never even talk to her except to yell at her”.  Or this exchange “Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” answered by “You never listen to what I say anyway.”

It will be difficult, at times, to listen without reacting, especially if you have been married a long time and are well skilled at the ‘defend and attack’ scenario of discussion. 

Just try to listen and not get angry.   You will have time to respond after your spouse has had the opportunity to tell you how they feel. 

Before you can make yourself understood, you must understand where your spouse is coming from and how they feel.

Stay calm and take a deep breath.  Recognize if you are getting upset and consciously try to calm yourself.

Listen ACTIVELY! 

What does that mean?  It means that you have to learn to listen without formulating your response in your head while you are listening.  If you are constantly trying to decide what to say next, you will not truly hear what your spouse is saying.