Ø      Don’t try to control your spouse or their opinions.  Accept them for what they are, and ask that they do the same for you.

Ø      Don’t ever take advantage of your spouse’s good nature or desire to please. 

 

Let’s go back to Bob and Jeannie again and see how they are doing. 

“It took us about 18 months to get to some understanding of what we really wanted and how and when we were failing each other”, Jeannie said.  “I always thought that I was waiting for Bob to improve, but we both needed to try harder.”

Bob says, “I thought I understood what our problems were, but I realized that I always expected Jeannie to accept the things I wanted to do or the things I didn’t want to do. 

But I never really gave her the same courtesy.  If it was a family obligation and I didn’t want to go, I just figured she’d make excuses for me. 

But, I was really abusing her good will and eventually she didn’t want to cover for me anymore.”

Among the things they learned from counseling and from their own discussions at home:

Ø      How to get past what they THOUGHT the problems were and get to the real issues by listening to what their spouse was really saying -  not just the words, but the perspective and feelings behind those words.

Ø      To disagree constructively and not go into attack mode.

Ø      To address problems as soon as they arose instead of hoping they would get better or go away.

Ø      To trust that their spouse had the best intentions and, though they may make mistakes, they were not trying to undermine or control each other.

Ø      To take responsibility for their own behavior and not place blame on their spouse.

As for Kennett and Amanda, their work was somewhat more difficult.  Since Amanda had already put a stake in the ground by taking the kids and leaving Kennett, there was a lot of work to be done before they could trust each other again.

Along the way, Kennett felt unappreciated for the effort he was making, and Amanda thought she had to remain steadfast and not ‘give in’ or it might be too easy for Kennett and he would slip back into old habits. 

After six months of intense discussions, and a lot of work with their families to get their support and cooperation, Amanda and Kennett made this list of lessons learned: